The Way Out of Myself
by Ridiculous Mavis
Summary: Elphaba and Avaric are forced to take a closer look at each others lives and gain some insight into their own. Elphaba/Avaric bodyswap. Gelphie, despite all that. Bookverse.


Elphaba and Avaric are forced to take a closer look at each others lives and gain some insight into their own. Elphaba/Avaric bodyswap. Gelphie, despite all that. Bookverse.

Author's note: Consider yourself disclaimed. It's sort of half (attempted) witty banter and half introspection. So consider yourself warned for: negative discussions of body image, mentions of masturbation and possibly internalised homophobia? Though I'd like to think it's more fun than that makes it sound.

* * *

The Charmed Circle picked their way across the bridge over the canal. It was icy underfoot. Nanny and Elphaba had arms wrapped round Nessa. Boq gallantly escorted Glinda. Avaric ran and jumped to skid over the frozen snow, holding his lapels as he sailed past them all.

"Damn you Avaric, stay out of the way. Go pull those stunts on the ice down there instead."

Glinda stopped and peered over the wall. "I don't think it is thick enough for – oh, I see."

"Now then, Elphaba. See how you distress poor Miss Glinda."

"It might support your body, it will be the inflated ego that does the damage. Perhaps you will learn a lesson."

"Perhaps _you_ will learn a lesson."

As they reached the far side of the bridge Avaric took the stairs down to the tow path.

"Avaric, don't," said Boq. "The pub is right there, I can see it, all warm and inviting..."

"Come along you fool," Elphaba called. "The Misses Shenshen and Pfannee are no doubt eagerly awaiting your presence."

"It is the Miss Elphaba whose opinion I am concerned with at present," Avaric replied, from the dark of the canal side.

The procession stopped.

"It's too cold for this," Elphaba snapped. "We'll leave you here. Nanny, let's go."

Though Nanny, Nessa and Elphaba continued on, Boq and Glinda stayed. "Come on, old man," Boq said, peering down.

Avaric responded with a tapping noise, sounding out the strength of the ice.

"Elphie!" Glinda shouted in alarm, apparently certain that only Elphaba could prevent whatever was occurring.

Elphaba duly hurried back, leaving Nanny and Nessa to enter the pub alone. "What is it?"

"He's going to go on the ice."

"So let him. Come along."

"It seems strong enough to me!" Avaric yelled to them cheerfully.

"Avaric you know I shan't be able to fish you out. I shan't let Glinda endanger herself and Boq would be of little use."

They could see the silhouette of Avaric lowering himself on to the eerily white ice.

"Is he going skating?" an old woman asked, stopping to observe the commotion. "In my day we used to be able to skate the canal from one end of the city to the other."

"He's going to hell, one way or the other," Elphaba remarked. "So help me Avaric..." She hitched her skirts and advanced down the steps.

"Elphie, be careful!" Glinda cried after her, while Boq patted her hand.

"Get back up here right now," Elphaba raged at him from the path.

"Is that her beau?" the old woman enquired. "Young ones are always showing off."

It made Boq laugh, though he felt bad for doing so at a time like this. Glinda scowled.

"You're not as invincible as you imagine," Elphaba continued to harangue Avaric, who was now a good two metres from the side of the canal, shuffling his feet.

"You're not as unfeeling as you imagine."

"I assure you I am."

"Why are you here then?"

"Because I can't bear it when girls cry and despite my dislike for you I'm sure there are some who will weep over your watery grave."

"You don't care at all?"

"No, why should I care about you? You stuck-up, arrogant –"

The ice gave a loud creak. Elphaba met Avaric's eyes and could see the whites of them perfectly clearly. "Don't move," she whispered, flung her scarf around a mooring post and hopped down on to the surface, reaching out her hand.

"Elphie!" Glinda screamed from the bridge. Boq began to move to the stairs.

The ice cracked again as Avaric grasped Elphaba's hand and she whipped him against the side and swung herself back up. He strained on his arms and as the ice gave way underneath him Elphaba grabbed at his belt and hauled him on to the path. He rolled on to his back, laughing. The ice sloshed around in the water below.

"You idiot!" Elphaba seethed, forceful without shouting, scarier for the restraint. "You could have gotten us both killed!"

"But I didn't. Lighten up, Elphie."

Elphaba took him by the collar and looked ready to deposit him back in the canal. But Glinda was upon her and Boq moved to restrain Avaric.

"Are you quite all right?" Glinda put a hand out. It didn't make contact.

"Yes, I am fine," Elphaba looked over Glinda's shoulder with narrow eyes and clenched jaw.

"That's enough now," Boq said to Avaric. "There's a good chap."

"You want to try living in the real world for a day or two," Elphaba said, smoothing out her jacket.

"You want to try having to be your friend," he said.

"Hmm," said the old woman up on the bridge.

"Elphie, please," Glinda tugged on Elphaba's sleeve. "I'm getting cold."

"Shame on you." Elphaba began to walk but was still talking to Avaric. "If Glinda suffers for this you'll wish I'd left you to the water."

"My feet are wet," Avaric laughed.

"Do you need to go back to our rooms?" Boq asked him, with a hint of disappointment. "Only Miss Glinda was clutching at me all worried back there and I think –"

"Never fear, Boq." Avaric slapped him on the back. "A nip of something fiery and alcoholic and I'll be right as rain."

They followed Elphaba and Glinda back on to the road. The old woman stood watching them.

* * *

As they entered the Peach and Kidneys Elphaba rounded on them. "Not a word of this tomfoolery to Nessa or Nanny, do you hear? Or to anyone. It will only inflame his ego," she stabbed Avaric in the chest with a bony finger, "and upset them."

Boq and Glinda nodded obediently, Avaric's concession was more on the surly side. He felt strange anyway, a sort of headache coming on. It wounded him to think it were a delayed reaction to the adrenaline. Some whisky should sort him out.

The group approached the others rather solemnly, which was no good sign.

"You took your time," Nanny sniffed. "Not been getting up to any mischief?"

Glinda blushed furiously.

"Of course not," Elphaba answered. "When have you ever known us to involve ourselves in mischief?"

Nanny sniffed, but the full extent of the mischief could not be discerned.

"Would you like a drink?" Boq asked Glinda, hopefully attentive.

"I would rather, just a small wine. Elphie, do you mind getting me one?"

Boq was left looking put out as Elphaba stood again. She stumbled in extracting her feet from under the table.

Glinda looked at her with worry. "Are you sure you're all right? Maybe you should sit, let Boq go," she said, voice low.

"Yes, let me go." Boq began to stand, desperate to be attending on Glinda.

"I'm fine," Elphaba snapped and left the table.

"She's fine," Boq said with a shrug.

Avaric was stood at the bar already, ordering his whisky. He raised his glass to her.

"Two glasses of house red." She ignored him.

"Come now, Elphie. Forgive and forget?"

The ignoring did not last long. "No. I won't brush it under the carpet. There have to be consequences to your actions." The anger flared up again easily. So did something else, a nauseous sensation. "Just... later. You'll get what's coming to you later."

Amazingly he didn't have a response. They looked at each other, their heads pounding. Then turned away, unwilling to let the other know.

"My feet are wet," Elphaba said abruptly. She could feel it, cold, sharp. The inside of her boots were waterlogged, it ran between her toes. She looked down. Those weren't her boots. She took a step back and they followed her. Nor was the tunic she looked down over – that wasn't hers either. She looked up at Avaric. Her eyes were wide and looking right back at her.

"Elphaba?" Herself said slowly.

"Just, stay calm," Elphaba said. Her voice was deep, she could feel it vibrating in her throat.

In her body Avaric's eyes darted over the rest of the group. "We need to vacate the vicinity," he pointed out.

Elphaba nodded, gripped her opposite's wrist and headed out through the kitchens to the back of the building.

"How did this happen?" Avaric was looking helplessly down at his new self.

"Well I didn't do it!"

"Neither did I! But you've done a lot better out of this situation!"

"I'm not thrilled about you having usurped my body!"

"Nor am I!"

They reached something of an impasse, having flung insults but failed to solve their predicament.

"We need to think this through..." Elphaba started to pace. Canal water sloshed in her boots. "By Lurline, Avaric, my feet are freezing."

"Should have let me finish that whisky," he said morosely.

"Much good it would do you."

"Is this some sort of nervous hallucinating reaction? I felt... a little queer before."

"So did I. Perhaps it was stress catching up with us."

"I don't think this is a usual symptom of stress." He was holding his hands – her hands – out in front of him and gazing at them. "This is terribly inconvenient."

"I know," she said. "If it doesn't wear off in the next few minutes it's going to get even more so."

It got immediately even more so, when the door swung open and Glinda came out.

"Whatever are you two doing out here? Not continuing your feud I hope? Goodness, it's freezing."

Elphaba made toward her, to lead her back inside with an admonishment, or provide a cardigan. Glinda looked sharply at her, almost with alarm. Elphaba stopped and looked pointedly over at Avaric.

"Oh! Yes, Glinda, it's all perfectly all right. We should get back inside. We should get home." His demeanour shifted, Elphaba could tell. "Yes! We should get back to Crage Hall, to our room..."

Elphaba lunged to stop Avaric from following Glinda. "You go in, Glinda. I just need... Elphaba... for a moment more."

Glinda looked between them, still uncomprehending. "Of course."

"What?" Avaric said, clearly knowing full well what Elphaba's objection was. "I've got a nice cosy all-female dorm to be getting back to. Enjoy your rooms with Boq!"

"You're not going back there," Elphaba stressed.

"Fine, where shall I go?"

"You can't go to your rooms either. My reputation is mud enough in this town as it is."

Avaric held up his hands in defeat.

Elphaba groaned. "We'll have to go to a hotel. Out of town. Far out of town."

"We?"

"I am not staying with Boq. And I am not leaving you alone, being as you are."

"How do we... explain this?"

Elphaba groaned. "With great difficulty. Take Glinda home with Nanny and Nessa. Then say you're going to the library."

"The library? They're not going to believe that, are they? Oh Elphaba, that's very upsetting."

"And I suppose you won't have to explain anything to Boq? You'll just disappear off and stay out all night with no repercussions?" Avaric smiled at her, and Elphaba disliked it immensely. "Don't do that."

"What?"

"Use my face like that."

Avaric laughed. "This is going to be fun."

"It's going to be awful."

"That too."

"We have to go in. I'll meet you back at the station. Be discreet. We'll take a cab out of town. Have you any cash?" She dug in to his pockets and pulled out a wad of notes. "Ozma's ghost, Avaric!"

"One never knows where the night might lead..."

"The night? I could live for a month on this."

"Well, we'll be able to stay somewhere nice," Avaric said as he went back inside.

Elphaba remained for a moment, trying to get her wits together. But her feet were cold so she soon followed him in.

"Settled your differences then?" Nanny was asking Avaric.

"Yes, indeed," Avaric said stiffly. Elphaba supposed it was nerves. No-one else seemed to notice.

She slumped in her chair, trying to concentrate on what Avaric was up to. Pfannee loomed in to view.

"Avaric, you wretch, you've abandoned us for hours," she purred.

Elphaba shot back out of her chair. "Are you ladies leaving?" she addressed the others. "Perhaps I can escort you home?" She decided against letting Avaric out of her sight.

* * *

Avaric paused at the steps to Crage Hall. "I think I'll just go... to the library."

"Now?" Glinda was startled.

"Yes. That's what I do, isn't it?"

"It's midnight."

"Learning waits for no man. Or woman."

Nanny and Nessa abandoned the discussion and went inside shaking their heads.

"You haven't any books."

"There are books in the library, I believe."

Elphaba stifled a laugh. "Don't worry, Miss Glinda. I will escort Miss Elphaba to the library."

"That hardly makes me feel any better," Glinda said.

"Go to bed," Elphaba said gently. "Fresh dreams."

Glinda looked at her for a moment. Then back to Avaric. "Don't stay up too late."

Avaric looked helplessly over at Elphaba. "I'm going to be busy."

"Right," she said, defeated. "Well, take care."

She went inside. Avaric looked at Elphaba. "Is she always like that?"

"Like what?" They started walking back to town.

"Clingy?"

"Glinda is not clingy. She worries."

"About you."

Elphaba ignored him.

"Is that realistic, you going to the library?"

Elphaba did not reply.

"An insight, a little insight."

They caught a cab at the railway station, the surrounding streets being mercifully quiet, the cold keeping people inside. So no-one could see the unaccompanied young woman getting in to a cab with the handsome, young and rich Gillikinese man. At the hotel, more down market than Avaric would have liked, he loitered behind while Elphaba booked two rooms.

"Not sharing?"

"That is exactly what we are here to avoid. Go to bed, no messing around. I will hope that we wake up in the morning restored and much the wiser for our experience."

* * *

The next morning Elphaba woke, but was not restored. She threw off the bed covers and stood in front of the mirror in the weak morning light to behold her new self. Avaric's habit of squinting lazily had always irritated her, so she made an effort to raise her eye brows and open her eyes. His chin and jaw jutted at a jaunty angle, cocky and arrogant. She adjusted that too. She looked down to the bulge in her underwear. That would be dealt with at the last possible moment, but the last possible moment was fast approaching. She dressed in his shirt and breeches and went down the hall to the bathroom to straddle the latrine in an ungainly fashion, managing the transaction with as little embarrassment as possible. She shuddered to think of Avaric doing the same and knocked on his door on the return.

"Do not disturb!" Avaric called. The voice sounded strained.

"Get up!" she shouted back through. "We need to talk." There was only a muffled moan so she let herself in. "Up!"

Avaric was sprawled amongst the covers, in petticoats. Some decorum at least.

"The gossip we could ignite," he said.

"You don't have to try to talk like a woman. You are equipped with my vocal cords, I assure you they have been doing the job quite adequately all these years."

"It feels too low," he said.

"It is low," she said. "These things can happen perfectly naturally."

She turned to look at herself in the mirror. Her jaw and eyes had returned to their laconic positions. She rubbed her hand along her chin. It refused to remain in the correct position.

"Your face is ridiculous," she said.

"Your whole person is ridiculous," Avaric countered.

Elphaba perched on the edge of the desk and looked out the window. "What are we going to do, Avaric?"

"Go home? Consult a physician?"

"I have an uneasy relationship with the medical profession. Besides, we would shortly find ourselves in the nearest asylum."

"Wait it out then? We can't do that here though. We will have to go home. If you don't want me rooming with Glinda I'll move out. I can pay for my own room. Will Morrible allow it?"

"Even if so she might consider Glinda unchaperoned and send her down to the dormitories. And Nessa needs help. You don't see, how tenuously everything holds together."

"We'll figure it out," Avaric said. "We don't have an awful lot of choice. Don't worry so much. You'll give me wrinkles."

"I've given you worse than wrinkles," Elphaba pointed out. "You've acquired my entire self."

"Oh it's not so bad," he said cheerfully.

"Give it a day or two." She was convinced. "Give it a person or two."

"Always so grumpy."

"Always with reason, dear boy. You'll soon see."

"And what about you? While I am locked in my tower, what will you do?"

"General gadabout behaviour. Got to keep up appearances." She said it thin-lipped, somewhere between an insult and a joke.

"Except I'm not worried about you breaking my cover."

"We can't tell anyone, Avaric."

"Why not?"

"It's insanity, that's why. No-one will believe us. I barely believe it."

"It's all rather exciting."

"That speaks more to your outlook."

"Of course it does. Isn't that all we have? Our own experiences?"

"No. We have compassion and empathy and understanding."

"Fascinating that you display so little of any such things."

"I do for those that deserve it."

"Ah yes, the Animals. The Quadlings." He laughed. It was thin and cruel.

It made Elphaba flinch. "What is your objection? You feel they don't deserve it? That my concern is misplaced? What?"

"It will please you to know I care very much for many things beyond myself. I care about Myna, the new barmaid. I care about my horses."

"I can't tell if you are being serious or making a joke."

"This face does not make jokes."

"Just please, Avaric, behave yourself."

"I am the picture of civility," he protested.

"I know it's a game to you. But it's my life and if I ever get back to it I would be much obliged if it weren't in tatters."

* * *

Reaching Crage Hall Avaric felt very much like an imposter, though it was also the culmination of a teenage ambition. This was not how sneaking in to the girls dorms was supposed to feel. He snuck in plain sight. This was easier to do as Elphaba than he might have imagined. Some form of embarrassment made people shy from him. As if to make eye contact would be to accept a taint. He leered at two first years who dared to glance and they scuttled away, their Amas tutting. Apparently this was not unusual behaviour.

At the door to Elphaba's room he fumbled the key in the lock. As he tried one more time there was a click on the other side and the door swung open.

"What in Oz are you up to Elphaba?"

"Key's bad," Avaric managed to say.

Glinda raised an eyebrow but left well alone. Avaric followed her in to the room. "How was your studying?" Glinda asked, an edge to her voice.

"Oh, the usual." Avaric patted his hands against his thighs and wondered what to do with himself. Glinda sat down on her bed, so he sat on the other. The room was small, functional, neat and without a single negligee draped over a chair or wardrobe door. He was bitterly disappointed.

"Are you tired?"

"No, I slept fine – I mean, before. The other day. I slept a few days ago."

Glinda spared him only the briefest glance.

"Where are Nessarose and Nanny?"

"Next door I suppose," Glinda said without looking up from whatever she was actually doing.

"Of course," he said. "I suppose I might... pop in and see them."

"As you like," Glinda said.

He got up but Glinda said nothing else, so he left. He knocked on the neighbouring door.

"Yes?" Nanny called.

"It's me. Um, Elphaba."

Again the door swung open. "Come on in you ninny," Nanny berated him.

"Right you are Nanny." Avaric thought he might enjoy this rather more, though hoped there were no negligees this time.

"So you've surfaced?" Nessa remarked, sat primly in her chair.

"Yes?" He wasn't sure exactly how this bickering worked. "Do you need anything?"

"I need some peace and quiet," Nessa retorted.

"Very well," Avaric clapped his hands. "Looks like all is in order here. I'll just..." he gestured toward the door.

Nanny bustled about. "As you like poppet."

Avaric left and stood in the corridor. "Library it is then."

* * *

Elphaba opened the door to Avaric's rooms gently. She was more than a little concerned about what she might encounter. In the end it was nothing much to write home about. Boq sat at his desk and peered over his glasses. "Good night? And morning?"

"Yes, absolutely," Elphaba affected her best gruff demeanour.

"Perhaps not," Boq smiled. "You would be more cheerful. Who was she, that turned you down?"

"You have no idea," Elphaba sank in to an armchair, not bothering to move the jacket strewn across it.

Boq looked at his pocket watch. "Have you eaten?"

"Not for centuries."

"Breakfast then. Or lunch."

"Both," Elphaba agreed.

* * *

"How are you?" Elphaba scrutinised the menu.

"Oh, fine," Boq said, dismissively.

"So, last night..."

Boq groaned and put his head in his hands. "I don't understand, I really don't."

"Understand what?"

"Miss Glinda. I know what you'd say but I –"

Cutting short the dramatic sigh she was about to enact at the predictability of Boq's subject matter she adjusted her enquiry.

"What would I say? Just out of interest."

He didn't seem to think this strange. Perhaps Avaric often forgot what he had said. "Oh, about being persistent. Maybe I should be more forceful? Last time we kissed –"

Elphaba shook her head wildly. "No, don't do that. It's a complicated one Boq. She's complicated."

"I know, you think I don't know?"

"It's not worth your distress."

"You're beginning to sound just like Elphie. She's always trying to put me off."

"Put you off? Surely just... keep you informed."

"I need less information from her, her very particular brand of encouragement. Discouragement more like."

"She does know Miss Glinda best."

"It doesn't give her rights over Miss Glinda though," Boq huffed.

"I don't think she considers herself to have any rights over Miss Glinda."

"You do, you said last week."

"Yes, of course."

The waitress came to take their order. She smiled at Elphaba warmly in a way no-one ever did and for a moment Elphaba forgot why that might be.

"Egg," she said. "And toast." Avaric's voice caught in her throat.

"That all?" Boq checked. "No bacon? No sausage?"

"Er, no, heavy night last night, and all that."

Boq nodded. Nothing was abnormal. Apart from the way the waitress was looking at her. She managed a polite smile. The waitress was positively thrilled.

Boq groaned. "Over breakfast, really? I don't know how you can even think of such things, on an empty stomach."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Elphaba muttered. She realised too late that the smirk she so disliked on Avaric was in fact his polite smile. She did not make eye contact when their food arrived, fearing what might happen.

"It's just that Elphie is so territorial." Boq was talking with his mouth full, a courtesy Avaric obviously did not deserve. "She behaves very strangely when I talk about Miss Glinda. I know you think it is because I'm pursuing the wrong girl –"

Elphaba spat out her tea and coughed mightily. She thought choking this body to death was not a good enough revenge on Avaric for that sort of comment. "Sorry!" she croaked. "Just, went down the wrong way." Then she realised she was drinking tea. "Actually, Boq, I think I'm all finished here. I'm going to go home and have a bath."

Boq was not in a position to understand how momentous this occasion was. "As you wish," he said. "I will see you later no doubt."

Elphaba wasted no time exiting the cafe but did waste time in turning first towards Crage Hall then having to immediately double back. Boq sat inside the cafe watching his friend hurtle one way then the other and shook his head.

* * *

Avaric was stood on the corner of the street where his digs were situated. He didn't know whether to go to make enquiries as to his own attendance, he thought Elphaba might have concerns about her body calling on his. Happily he saw himself coming down the street at some pace.

"What are you doing here?"

"I can't do it, Elphaba," he said, pitiful. "It's too hard."

"Being you has been nothing but a lark." He thought there was some sarcasm there but it was much harder to tell in a different voice. "In fact I'm just off to take a bath."

That made him laugh a little. "I wondered how long that would take you. I'm afraid I need a little more guidance. You saying "don't get me wet" is all very well and good, but what do I do?"

Elphaba narrowed her eyes. "I'd prefer not to think on it, but I suppose we must. Eventually."

"I may be green but I've no desire to lower all my standards."

"Thank you for that. Come on then, we'd better have a proper confab. Not here though. Is there a way to sneak in to your room?"

"Well, one can go over the fence and up the trellis, but I'm not sure..."

"I've exerted myself far more in escapes and entrances, I assure you. That body is handier than it might look."

"Very well, it's your neck. I'll be up in a jiffy."

Avaric left Elphaba to enter in a more refined style whilst he scrambled up the wall. Indeed her body was rather nifty, she was stronger than she looked. Which reminded him of something as he scaled the trellis. She helped pull him through the window. When they had both caught their breath he said, "About last night, I wanted to say thank you. For helping me out."

"You were an ass," she said unsympathetically. "Will we be disturbed? I left Boq having breakfast."

"My man will be about to clean the rooms at some point. I'm not sure when."

"That must be nice."

"You have Nanny."

"Nanny is generally otherwise preoccupied. How are they all?" A touch of softness came over her as she asked after them.

"Fine. I think. Are they normally so... brusque?"

"Nanny, yes."

"And Nessa?"

"You don't have siblings, do you." It was a rhetorical question.

"Indeed not. I suppose that's how it is."

"As I understand it." She paused. "And Glinda?"

"She seemed peeved with you, more than anything." He tried to recall that distance in her eyes.

Elphaba nodded. "It's to be expected. Did you mention leaving?"

"Honestly I barely got a word in edgeways." Elphaba laughed at him, or at them, or both. "Is that normal then?"

"Oh yes. The private lives we have."

"You always seem so commanding."

"It's different."

"Different what? In private? Is this feminine mystique?"

"Perhaps, on their part. There's no mystique to me, Avaric. Which is very much to your advantage. I'm not sure it is a feminine quality only, though that would account for my lack. Boq betrayed some insights you and he share that are not general knowledge."

Elphaba watched her own face turn a deeper green, a disconcerting experience.

"I could get rather upset about it. If I hear any encouragement of him at all by you whilst in my person I shall make you very miserable indeed. Any encouraging Miss Glinda to the effect of any words whatsoever regarding Boq and I will act forcefully upon you, regardless of whose body you are in at the time."

Avaric was not massively dissuaded by that, in fact it only piqued his interest more. "You are proving my theories rather correct."

"For the benefit of your idiocy I shall make this perfectly plain: I have no designs whatsoever on Boq."

"Why not let him have a crack at Glinda then?"

"Because Glinda is not there to be cracked at by young men. Boq is also my friend and I don't like to see him wasting his energies. It's good for neither of them."

"Where do you enter the equation?"

"I don't, other than being thoroughly bored by his lovesickness and her complaining of it. I should ask where you enter it, given your sordid amount of interest."

H shrugged. "It's all in good fun."

"It's not though. I know things always work out for you but that's not always the case for everyone else."

They almost reached yet another impasse until Avaric broke it. "I'm not getting in to this argument again."

Elphaba slumped on the bed. "You're right. We've got plenty of time for all that but more pressing concerns for right now."

"What are we going to do about them?"

"I really don't know."

* * *

Glinda pushed at the door to Nessa and Nanny's room. "Have you seen Elphaba?"

Nessa sat at her desk, Nanny bustling in the background. "Today? Yes, earlier, before lunch."

"Did she seem well to you?"

"Perfectly," Nessa said. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"No, I don't think so. She's just been out so long, and last night."

"That is not exactly unlike her."

"No, I know. I'm being silly. I suppose it scared me, last night."

"I knew it! I knew you lot were up to no good." Nessa said, triumphant. Glinda was sure part of that was in the potential for Elphaba to get in to trouble, not just that she was going to hear some gossip.

"Oh dear." Glinda sat on a bed, defeated and surrounded and not entirely sure she wanted to keep this secret. That accounted for how quickly it slipped from her. "Avaric almost fell through the ice, it broke and Elphaba pulled him out with her scarf. But no, she was on the ice, she stood on it. And they were arguing so much and just trying to get each other killed."

Nanny was outraged, as Glinda had rather suspected she would be. "I don't know why they insist it is you girls be chaperoned, it would be better the other way round. That boy is a menace. All boys are a menace. That boy in particular."

"He must have been chastened," Nessa said. "Elphaba and he talked for a long time later. Or argued. And he walked us home."

Nanny was not for persuading. "You should know better, Miss Glinda, than to allow these hijinks."

"Allow? When could any of us ever stop Elphaba?"

Nanny muttered and turned away. Glinda felt this was proof of her point. "I did try to stop her. Still, I wouldn't like to see Avaric drown, if at all possible."

Nessa mused, "Sometimes I think they should both drown."

"Not Elphaba." Nanny interrupted. "If your blessed mother couldn't drown her when she was little then it's not to be."

"You can't mean that?" Glinda was startled.

"A strange, desperate time," Nanny said by way of explanation. "It was the teeth."

"Nanny," Nessa admonished. "You exaggerate. Mama would never do such a thing."

Nanny pursed her lips. "If you say so. I was only her Nanny all her life. I know enough about Melena Thropp. And I know more than enough about young men."

They all sat in silence.

"So do you think Elphaba has sulked off to contemplate her own mortality?"

"I don't know. Is that introspective enough? What point in contemplating mortality when one doesn't believe in anything else?"

* * *

The next morning all three were surprised when Elphaba joined them for breakfast.

"There you are now," Nanny said. "I was beginning to forget what you looked like."

"Unlikely," Elphaba said with more deliberate humour than the usual self deprecation.

"Stop looking at my bacon like that," Glinda said, determined not to be nice as she had been so shunned. "I already know you don't approve."

"Hmm," Elphaba said but failed to launch in to an argument about vegetarianism and Animal or animal rights.

"What have you been busying yourself with?" Nessa enquired. "I am interested, but please keep it civil, there are people around."

"Oh, various things," Elphaba said, looking uncomfortable. "You see, the thing is, I've been considering the options, weighing my life, as it were."

"Saints preserve us," Nanny said.

Elphaba had no retort, she was too preoccupied. Glinda wanted to reassure her, but was still sulking. "Is this about Avaric being a fool the other night? You mustn't mind him, Elphie."

Elphaba gave her a funny look. "Oh?"

"He's... oh I don't know. A show off. You mustn't let him get to you."

"No," Elphaba said.

"You were very brave. Braver than he deserved. But of course you would be."

"I'm sorry for scaring you," Elphaba said.

There was something genuine in her voice that made Glinda peevish again. "I only worried I would have to find a new roomie."

"Ah, on that score. That's rather what I had to say. I'm moving out of Crage Hall."

Glinda's mouth fell open, in tandem with Nessa's. Nanny just tutted.

"Elphie!" Nessa found her voice. "What in Oz can you mean?"

"I'm only here to tell you and then report to Morrible."

Glinda said nothing still.

"But why?"

"I need some space, I have other issues to contend with. Right now, at least. It may not be permanent."

"You mean your research, for Dr Dillamond?"

"Clearly this has not been thought through one jot," Nanny said. "If you imagine your father will allow this..."

"I don't see that it is for my father to allow or not."

"Oh you will see poppet. And Madame Head," Nanny spoke with derision. "She may not be your greatest advocate but I think you will be surprised."

"I won't be dissuaded," Elphaba said. Glinda imagined not. She wished desperately that Elphie could be dissuaded.

With Nessa staring daggers and Nanny affecting disinterest Glinda struggled for anything she might be able to say.

Elphaba looked between them all, almost expectant. Before saying,"I have to go," as she always did.

"Elphie, please," Glinda finally said.

"I'm sorry," was all Elphaba said, shying away from Glinda's outreached hand.

* * *

As Avaric left the Buttery and headed toward Morrible's office he saw Elphaba loitering amongst the columns in the main hall. "Checking up on me?"

"I thought it was rather more supportive than that." She pursed her lips. "How were they?"

"Confused, and so on and so forth. As one would imagine."

"Quite Now go see Morrible."

"Will you come with me?"

"You know I can't."

"I can't just go about trashing your life with you stood out here." He was overcome with a sort of sadness, a feeling of responsibility that sat heavy in his stomach.

"It's not much fun for me either. You should go. Do it quick, before I stop you." She smiled sympathetically. "Tuck your blouse in. You'll give me a reputation." She turned away and Avaric took his cue to leave.

Once a little recovered, having talked herself out of her doubts, Elphaba left the building and debated which way to exit the campus. Instead she saw Glinda a little way off, sat against the garden wall. She knew she should leave. She didn't.

"Hello," she said in a low voice, not wishing to give Glinda a fright.

"What are you doing here?" Glinda was hastily rubbing a hand across her eyes.

"You're upset?"

"Do you know what she's saying now?"

"Miss Elphaba?" Elphaba just wanted to be sure. Glinda gave her a cross look. "Of course," Elphaba added. She had rather hoped it wasn't related to the bombshell Avaric had just dropped.

"She's saying she wants to leave."

Elphaba sat on the ground, not too close to Glinda, but close enough. She liked the minimal fuss of wearing trousers for accomplishing such things. "I'm sure she has her reasons."

"And do any of those reasons have to do with you?" Glinda looked fierce.

"No," Elphaba said flatly. It was a bizarrely confusing lie and infinitely simpler than the truth.

"Why then?" Glinda welled up. Elphaba hated the sight, liked to pretend she hated the affectation but really she could not bear seeing Glinda upset. She fished in various pockets looking for a handkerchief and found one. She just hoped it was clean. Glinda waved it off. "I'm not some silly girl, you know."

"I know."

"I'm cross, that's why I'm crying. Cross and, well, confused."

"I understand."

"I can't imagine you do. This isn't like Boq moving out."

"No. There's Nessa and Nanny. It's complicated, I know."

"No, you don't know. That's not it at all. Nessa and Nanny will be fine. I mean, they will pretend it is a release, they won't mean it."

Elphaba chuckled. "Of course."

"No really, it is all pretence. Or, mostly. But they will be fine really."

"You will be. Nanny can still act as your ama."

"It's not that either."

"What is it then?"

Glinda thought for a moment but only more tears sprang forth. "Oh I don't know. Damn her. I shall miss her and it's so strange how that happens. How you get accustomed to seeing someone every day and being around them."

Elphaba nodded. She did rather understand that.

"I just wish she had talked to me. I wish I mattered enough, that she respected me enough, to talk to me."

"I'm sure if she did not it was only to spare you the pain." Elphaba said. "Spare you this."

"If that was the plan then it failed."

"Yes," Elphaba conceded. "You will still see her near enough every day in classes and no doubt she will still come to the pub."

Glinda shook her head. "I imagine so. But it's not enough. What is she even going to do with herself? I just can't comprehend of it. She's not one for answering questions either."

Elphaba just sat. Glinda shook her head. "I don't know why I'm talking to you, of all people. Especially when you almost got her killed the other day."

"I'm sure it wouldn't have come to that."

"Yes, you're so sure of everything. So sure that ice wouldn't break. Honestly Avaric, I'm not sure I've ever been so scared in my life."

"You were perfectly safe."

"You really are monstrous." She was sounding more serious about that now.

"I meant, as long as you were safe. That's what's important."

"Not to me! How safe would I have been trying to fish you both out of an icy canal?"

Elphaba wasn't sure what to do about the horror she felt at the prospect. "I'm nigh on convinced Elphaba would not have wanted you anywhere near it."

"What Elphaba wants does not trouble me mostly." Glinda smiled a little. "It may surprise you to know."

Elphaba smiled back. "I may have noticed."

"That, but also, in the opposite. I would not care what she said, I would have gone in that canal after her."

"I'm not sure there would have been much of her to go after." She realised too late how strange self deprecation sounded when it came ostensibly from someone else. Almost like hate.

"Avaric, that's horrible." Glinda came over all stricken. "Don't, don't say that. I certainly wouldn't have gone after you."

"Nor would I expect it. And I didn't mean to upset you."

"Well you have. Now and the other night. I had nightmares. And when I woke up... she wasn't there."

Elphaba had rather a lump forming in her throat and had to swallow forcefully. "I'm sorry," she managed to say.

"I thought about how I wouldn't be able to do without her. And now she's leaving anyway. Though in a less permanent fashion. I suppose I must be grateful for that?"

Elphaba realised she had underestimated the emotional impact this plan might have. Partially because until this moment she had never tried to fully grasp the emotional impact. She liked to pretend there would not be one. That she did not matter. Because this, mattering, this was hard. She preferred to focus on the practicalities.

What could she do? Her hands were tied. She couldn't have Avaric living among Glinda and Nessa. No matter how well behaved he promised to be, it was an invasion. Boq was different. They had separate rooms, they were separate. Boq didn't need Avaric like Glinda needed Elphaba. Which made it seem more cruel, in a way. The whole situation was a mess. An inexplicable, infuriating mess.

"I'd do anything to make her change her mind." Glinda seemed so sad, all of a sudden.

"It's nothing to do with you," Elphaba reassured her.

"How can it not be?"

"It can't be. Miss Elphaba can be confusing but there is no doubt that she cares about you, under all that. I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation."

"I hope so," she said thoughtfully. "I hope that whatever she does, whatever happens, that she is all right."

They smiled at one another for a moment before Glinda shifted. "I should go."

Elphaba sprung to her feet and helped Glinda up, as she had done a hundred times before. This time, wanting to show some comfort and emboldened by her disguise, she bent and kissed Glinda's hand. It was not an unusual gesture from Avaric. It was undoubtedly an unusual gesture from Elphaba. She turned tail and fled over the garden wall as she was so accustomed to doing, hoping Glinda was not watching. She was.

* * *

Elphaba met Avaric on a bench by the canal. Back at the scene of the crime as Avaric wryly noted. Elphaba was not in the mood for pleasantries. Even less so than usual. "How did it go with Morrible?"

"Pretty badly."

"And?"

"Well, I think she knows she can't stop you. She was talking about your father – as did Nessa. Worrying about your chaperoning, your status. Making enquiries you would not have enjoyed."

"Always the case."

"I never knew such a cross examination."

"That's what being a young woman gets you." Elphaba struggled to bring up the next topic. "I spoke to Glinda."

"Oh? How did that go? We don't often chat, as it happens."

"I think I may have underestimated the effect of all this on her."

"I could have told you that! You two, goodness me. Do you not talk to one another? You seem so close."

"These things are complicated."

"Needlessly complicated."

"You might have become temporarily encased in my life but do not pretend you know anything about it."

"Very well." Avaric sensibly conceded, with only the slightest rolling of his eyes.

* * *

It did not take long to find a suite that Avaric deigned to stay in and the preposterous amount of money that Elphaba was able to draw from the bank certainly helped assuage the landlord's concerns.

First she went back to Avaric's rooms. There was one task on her mind and she waved Boq off as she found some supplies and headed straight down the hall to the wash room.

With some trepidation she approached the bath. It stood proud on its clawed feet. But it taunted her no more. She turned on the tap... and reached out her hand. It felt nice. It felt light. Getting undressed the excitement of the bath distracted her from the nudity. She adjusted the heat and waited patiently for the tub to be almost overflowing before she lowered herself in to it. The water slid over her, she slipped through it effortlessly. It was warm and comforting and it felt so good. She held out her hands, running the water through them.

And remembered – was confronted by – the fact they were not her hands. They were larger, thicker, stronger. Less green. She gave herself, Avaric's self, a quick scrub and towelled herself off.

Returning to his room she selected from his extensive wardrobe.

"Looking fancy," Boq said as she left.

"Just going for a wander."

She put on Avaric's coat and headed out in to the night. It was cold, again, her breath steamed a path ahead of her. The destination was unclear. Nowhere known, nowhere too obvious. There were experiences she wanted but not as Avaric. Not too much as Avaric. But still, male and white and whole.

She ended up somewhere small, dark. Down a street where the houses lurched at each other, almost touching overhead. Avaric would never go there: there was sawdust on the floor. No-one even glanced at her, no whispers. She ordered a whisky and it was slid over the bar unceremoniously. She took it, downed it and pushed it back. It was refilled without a word. Until, unsure of the etiquette, she passed a note over the bar in payment. It was a large note and earned a raised eyebrow. The barkeep glanced away, somewhere she could not see. "Yes, sir."

In a moment the stool next to her was occupied. A hand trailed over her back. "Not seen you in here before," the woman said.

"Looking for some quiet," she said, not unkindly.

"Away from all the pressures of life."

"Yes, something like that."

"I know, I know how it is. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Elphaba looked at her. "You can let me buy you a drink."

The woman smiled. "Thank you. A gin and tonic."

The bartender nodded. Perhaps he was on commission. Or she was on commission.

"I'm Shell."

"Shell? Not a Gillikinese name."

"My family are Gillikinese. I was raised in Munchkinland."

"On a family estate?"

"Indeed. I was hidden out there."

"Why would anyone hide a fine figure of a man like you?"

"Oh, well..."

"Are you a bastard son? A secret heir?"

"No, but I rather wish I were. It all sounds very exciting."

"A fantasy?"

Elphaba downed her whisky again. "Yes, I suppose. I never used to have much stock for fantasises. For wishing things were different."

"You do now?"

"Things have happened to change my mind. Now I have no choice but to believe in it."

"In experiencing things differently? That must be nice. It takes a certain someone though. Is that why you are slumming it down here? You can come down the ladder, but we can't get up."

Elphaba leant back in her seat. "Which is exactly what I keep telling him."

"Him?"

"My father. And my friend. And everybody. Nobody understands what that's like, to be trapped by your lot."

"Sweetheart, no offence, but I can't believe you do either."

"Maybe not. I admit I don't in many ways. But I do a little."

She saw a look of incredulity, which became something else. "You are different from all them. How different is yet to be proved..." A hand went on Elphaba's knee.

"I didn't – I mean – that's not why I'm here."

"But you are here. It's all right. Have you never..? I can't believe that. A strapping young man like yourself."

"I haven't always been. Appearances can be deceiving."

"Well your appearance is fine and your innards is fine too. I am a pretty good judge of character. Got to be in this line of work, keep yourself from getting killed."

There was plenty Elphaba wanted to say about that but it would look disingenuous. It would be a person probably very like she appeared to be. Some wealthy young man, a student even. "You are very astute. But I'm really not sure."

"Come on now, love. I'll be gentle. What are you afraid of?"

"Everything," Elphaba whispered.

* * *

There were nights when Elphaba just walked around town, fearless, into all the darkest corners of Shiz. Places that showed up the Philosophy Club as somewhere for wide eyed undergraduates.

She had always hated him for squandering it. Yet, here she was. She could do anything. And this is what she chose.

It wore her down, made her guilty. She felt, for the first time ever, that she might belong. That people gave her the chances she deserved. That her mind in Avaric's body could truly achieve anything. She thought of Dr Dillamond's reasearch. What could a margreave's son do with that? How far could it go? She could take the research to the Wizard. She could make him listen. She wouldn't be some green girl, even if she was the Thropp Third Descending.

Avaric meanwhile was having nowhere near so much fun. He felt hopelessly trapped in what should have been his own life. Elphaba, as everyone knew, was unrestrained. She was impulsive and hot headed and curiously calm. She did not bow to the requirements of society – polite or otherwise. And yet, since becoming her, becoming so intimately involved in her life, all Avaric found himself doing was capitulating. She left him long lists of what he could and could not do, where he was and was not allowed to go, when he could and could not be seen. The secret machinations of the female world were not supposed to be like this. There was no mystique, just constant vigilance. So that even the most rebellious of women was helpless in the end, helpless against the relentless workings of the world.


End file.
